World of Nadious

Taking the “Edge” off

It’s hard for me to look someone in the eyes / face, knowing some of the things that have been said about me and my family by those individuals.  We had pastor appreciation this weekend.  It was a very nice service.  They honored me and my sister, along with my parents.  I did, in fact, feel honored.  It was very nice.  But there were a few things that I noticed that really hit home with me.  Now, I’m not the type that likes a lot of recognition.  Honestly, I don’t.  I believe in giving honor and appreciation where it is due, but I’m not one that likes to receive a lot of it. So, being in the ‘spotlight’ yesterday was just an… odd… feeling for me. I’m one that likes to do what I need to do (in the background), get it done, and go on with what I’m supposed to do next. I’m like my father in many ways.

Needless to say, there we were, sitting up on the platform, while people were taking a moment to say nice things about us (open floor tributes) and they even took the time to give us each a gift. When they recognized each of us and gave us gifts, they did it individually. The response of the people was overwhelming. Standing ovations, cheers, applause, etc. If there was anybody that deserved it more than anything, it would be my father, mother, and sister. These people work hard at what they do within the body and they were truly worthy of deserving the honor that was given to them.

When it came time for me to receive my gift, I was met with the same reception that was given to my family, but it was on a much smaller scale. Now, before anyone thinks that I have a huge ego here (because I’m far from being egotistical), I’m saying this because of something I observed in the midst of it all: There particular individuals sat there and just looked at me as if to say: “How dare he be celebrated.”

I listened as the people spoke about how I had been such a ‘role model’ to the youth of the church. My service as a youth pastor was brought up many times by different people but I kept asking myself: “Was there anyone here that actually GETS IT?’ These same kids that I’ve been such a ‘role model’ to, are some of the very ones that sat there with the stone cold stares on their faces and just looked at me as if I was just some kind of joke. They probably don’t even realize that I saw them, but for some reason… I just happened to glance their way and see them looking at me. It wasn’t just them, there were others, but these three were the ones that jumped out before me. They were the ones that caught my attention.

And then it hit me: “You were right, Nadi. These three are a product of what’s been fed to them.” I never did one thing to these three, other than try to talk to them, communicate with them, and just be myself around them. But instead, the lingering effects of what was and what wasn’t have been filtered into them so much that they look at me with distain. ‘What have I ever done to any of you?’ That’s what I really want to ask them. I suspect that their answer would be the same as someone else gave me once: “It’s not what you did me, it’s what you did to them.”

It’s hard for me to accept word’s of people telling me that they love me and that they appreciate all that I do, when I know deep down, there is resentment and animosity towards me. Sure, some might be putting forth some kind of effort to overcome these things, but I think if they really want the REAL break through, then they are going to have to do what they know is right: Come clean. I’m not a stupid person… I know how to call things like I see them. Some of them might be able to fool other people some of the time, but they don’t fool me. At least, they don’t fool me when it involves me.

But still, I couldn’t help but think that I was giving the same thing in return. Here they were, telling me how much they loved me and appreciated me… and I was telling them ‘thank you’ and that I loved them too.

Did I really? Did I really mean what I said?

And it’s probably at that point and time that I asked God: “Lord, help me take the ‘edge’ off.” I think that I’ve been through so much in the past year or two with people that I’ve hardened myself so much that I’ve developed razor sharp edges. These edges cut… and they cut deep… and sometimes I’m probably not even aware that I’m cutting them. To tell someone that I loved them to, and then have to stop and think about it… it hit me: I’m no better off than they are.

I’m gonna have to get these edges off… I’m gonna have to soften them up, if I’m gonna not only be able to move on from these things… but allow others to have the same healing to take place.

You can’t climb a fence with razor wire wrapped around it.  It will keep you from getting over it and to the other side.

I’m sure some people look at me and see that very same fence and probably wonder: “Why bother…”

Lord, help me soften the edges…

What a ‘Kawinky-dink’

You ever have one of those moments when you look back on something you said and you later find out that you were 100% completely right?  It’s not often that I make predictions that I think will turn out like that, but every once in awhile they catch me by surprise.

I couldn’t help buy think to myself:  “I should have put money on it.”  It wasn’t too long ago that I made a statement to someone in a conversation that we were having, addressing why people do certain things and act a certain away when they come around me.  I told them why I felt that they did what they did…

… and I was right on the money.  Nailed it.  BULLS EYE.  Yeah, I’ll say: “I told ya so.”

It never fails to amaze me how eager people are to accept something that they don’t even know if it true.  They base their opinions and feelings on a matter without even doing the slightest bit of research or investigating to see if there is ANY basis to the claims that are stated to them.

The sheep LOVE to be led.  It makes them feel so good.  Just point in a direction and watch them follow.

Mark my words down:  Things won’t come to rest and return to the way that they were until these people (and they know exactly who they are) stand face-to-face with me and explain to me WHY they do / did the things that they do / did.  But, the problem comes in that I won’t just sit there with a smile on my face and pretend that it’s all good.  No.  I plan to confront… I will ask questions… I wanna know EXACTLY why and I will push for the answer if I have to.  I won’t roll over on this one.  Nope.  The least I deserve from them is an honest answer.

Sadly, as much as I wish things would just return to the time of when it was all good… I’m unsure if that is even possible.  There’s been A LOT of damage done and it doesn’t resonate with just me.  It spills out into families and friends and the effects of it are so obvious, because it is based on the reactions and attitudes of those that have been victim to it.

I’m sure a lot of you wonder why I have been so ‘withdrawn’ lately.  Simply put:  I’m tired of people doing what they do.  I’m tired of being a target.  Don’t blame me for ducking under cover when you have the scope set it on me.  You’re the one that has pulled the trigger to fire… not me.  I’m just doing what any normal person would do when they come under fire.

‘Geez, is is that bad, Nadious?’

On the outside, there’s not a scratch.  But inside… you all have caused a great deal of hurt to me.  You can only churn milk so many times till it stiffens and becomes something other than milk.  And the more you all stir… the more resistant to you I have become.

If this is how you want it… then so be it.

So…

… it’s been a  good while.  You could say that I’m probably more busy in my life now, than I ever have been.  It’s been a long time since I’ve even been to this place.

How so much has changed, with me, since I’ve been here.  I can honestly say I’m at a point in my life where I feel that big changes are taking place… not just with what is going on around me, but what is going on inside of me as well.  It’s not even been a whole year yet, since my life changed so much… and with everyday, I discover more and more about myself that is… surprising, to say the least.

I have very blessed to have the wife that I do.  We migth not always see ‘eye to eye’ on things (hehe), but she is at least open… ok, VERY open (hehehe… but that’s good…) with me and trying to work with me on areas that we both need some adjustment and improvement with.  I think anyone that thinks that marrige is bliss is completely ignortant of what love is.  They are usually the ones that end up with rude awakening and second guess it all, before it is all said and done.  I know I got the one for me… because she helps me in areas that I need help… and she truly wants the best for me… not because someone else wants it.  I’m sure we’ll have our ‘valleys and hills’ as we continue to move along.. but the ground is leveling more and more with each passing day.

Then, there are those areas that I look at and ask myself:  “I just wasted the last few years of my life… didn’t I?”  I used to ask that and just laugh it off.  But in the last few months, I couldn’t agree more.  As the years went by, the level of disrespect and apathy has grown to limits that are just alarming to me.  ‘Who are these people?’, I find myself asking all the time.  They are the SAME… in both ways.  I can’t even hardly stomach to be around most of them anymore.  They don’t care about anything, other than themselves.  They thrive on confonrtation and argument and they boast how ’smart’ they are.  Sadly, they only show just how weak and foolish they really can be.  Maybe everyone goes through that phase in life… but for these people, it seems like they are stuck in it.

Then, there are those that steal the quick glances and look away.  They have the blood on their hands, yet they refuse to wash them… and then have the gall to come up to me and shake my hands, smile the plastic, and wisk away like nothing ever happened.  THOSE are the ones that disgust me the most.  You all know the things that you do… you all know what has been done… you all know the damages that you help spread… yet, you want to be in my presence and just pretent that it’s all good?  How do some of you look at yourselves in the mirror each day?  Are you all really as decieved as your image dictates?  If so… do I feel sorry for you.  Your nothing more than a pawn.  I’ve seen putty that has more backbone than you.

I feel so strong.  I feel.. independent… more so now than ever.  I think breaking free was one of the best things that happened to me, because I have been able to focus my time and effort in areas where I felt that I was actually making a difference… not babysitting.  Which is more rewarding in the end:  Looking back and realizing that you wasted years of your life and have NOTHING to show for it?  Or, spending just a few days and doing something that has something tangable to show?  Something that you know did (or at least stands a good change in the long run) of making a difference?

It’s funny… they ask me:  “Have you just been so busy?’  While there is a lot of truth in that… sometimes I just want to simply say:  “No… you all make me not want to be here.”  I guess some would say that is a heartless thing to say… but I would say:  “It’s the truth.”

Root for your underdogs and console those with the blade still clutched tight in their hands… I don’t need any of you.

All I need is my family (and that includes my wife.)

Growing Up

You know, out of all the hard things in life that I’ve had to deal with, (and I’ve had some things that were pretty tough to go through), I never thought that finally growing up (at 30 years of age, I might add.. hahhaah) would be one of the harder things to do.

Not so much for myself, but for what it has done to those that I have ‘grown’ up with…

Weekend

Had a good weekend.  Turned 30.  The big ‘three oh.’   The wife threw me a birthday party and I spent the whole weekend around friends and family.  It was such a blast.  She really did make it a special weekend for me.  A lot of good (and funny) memories this weekend.  Have to say that this 30th birthday, was probably one of my favorites.

I got a lot of nice stuff from people, most notably a PSP from my wife and Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core from BigShow.  I’m hooked.  I can’t put the game down.  They did a great job with it.  I’m really looking forward to seeing how it turns out.

30… I’m sure the jet engines of time are just now firing up as we look down the runway…

Been awhile…

Since I posted.  I was gonna post some stuff… but I’m being lazy and I’m deciding NOT to post. 

Feelings

The older I get, the more I’m becoming aware that feelings that I have are growing stronger.  It’s really odd, because usually as a person gets older, they find that they latch on to a particular type of feeling and that roots in them.  With older people (I’m talking grandpas and grandmas here…), they usually get a little rougher around the edges.  Their fuse gets a little shorter and you find that they aren’t able to be pleased very easily.  But, with me, it’s weird.  I thought about it tonight as I had some time to myself to collect my thoughts and what I’m finding is that certain feelings are really beginning to amply within.  That could be good… or that could be bad… depending on what feeling it is.

The two that seem to really latch on to me the most are my feelings of anger and my feelings of sensitivity.  It’s so bizarre that these two are the ones that I find to be the strongest lately.  They are so opposite from one another.  Now, before anyone rushes off to think that I’m mad at the world, I’m not.  But I think it’s a collection of things from past years that are now just beginning to surface and a lot it has to do with my family.  It’s not my family that makes me feel this way.  No, it’s the things that my family has had to GO THROUGH and the people that have put them through these things that stir up the anger in me.

I know it’s something that I have to work out through.  Anger, left unchecked, is a dangerous thing.  I’m not one that is quick to anger, so I think that’s why after all these years I can finally find it mustering up.  It takes a lot to get me going and to get me to the point where I do feel the feeling of anger.  But keep in mind:  the Bible tells us that we need to be ‘angry and sin not.’  Anger in itself is not a sin.  But, it’s what we choose to do with the anger that turns into things that can really mess with us.  Thing such as depression, bitterness, hate, etc.  All of the things are the fruit of anger.  The tree itself cannot do anything, but it’s when the fruit comes forth that it’s able to produce.  So, I know it is something that I have to keep in check constantly.  But I do find my relationships with other people starting to feel the waves.  So, I’m praying that God will help me keep this where it needs to be and allow me to continue to work through it.

As angry as I get with people (a large majority those that have walked away and never returned…), the flip side to my feeling of apathy and no remorse to those that I still have contact with is a feeling of great sensitivity towards various things.  Music, in particular, has always been something that has moved me.  When you own 800+ CDs that you have collected over the years, you cant’ help but to have fondness for music.  Music has always been something that I can escape into and for a large portion of my collection, something that has been able to minister to me.  But here lately, music really moves me.  It’s doing so more than before.

Just last week I had a chance to go and see Cirque Du Soleil in Orlando.  The show La Nouba is quite amazing.  I saw there awe-struck at everything that was going on.  For those of you that haven’t heard of my fondness for Cirque Du Soleil lately, I’m sure you’ll catch it at some point and time.  My wife and I LOVE these shows!  We’ve only been to two so far, but we hope to be to more.  Anyways, I just sat there really moved by the music and performances of these people.  So much that I almost just couldn’t say anything or do anything.  It was like I was very sensitive to what was going on and I just got caught up in in all.  It happened again tonight as I listened to some music in my car.

I’m not sure what is happening to me lately… but I can surely tell that as I get older, certain personality characteristics that I have are really starting to express themselves.  All I need to learn to do now is to suppress the ones that need to be in check and maybe let those that would be good for me continue to grow in the direction that they are going.  Time will tell… but one thing for sure:  I can feel that I’m getting older.  I know people will laugh at that (especially if they are older than me), but I’m being honest when I say it:  I can feel myself aging.

Thaddius

I added a new link to the “Friends & Allies” section.  It’s the link to Lord Thaddius’ blog.   If you get some some, stop by and check out this guy.  He’s got all kinds of cool stuff on there and he’s a killer graphic designer.  You might remember him back from the WinterHaven / MiHaven (which is still around, I might add) days.  I’ve known him for a few years on-line.

He’s super cool and puts up with my garbage.  So, that makes him just awesome.  :)  Check out his blog here.

Why Is It…

… when you try to put things out of mind, they are always brought up in sight?  That old saying ‘out of sight, out of mind’ never seems to work very well for me.  I’m constantly reminded out situations and things that I have dealt with that I’d just rather forget.  Yet, no matter how hard I try to move beyond them and forget them, they always find some way to creep back in and catch me off guard.

I sat last night at the Gladiator’s hockey game (they won, 4 to 1, btw!  Go Glads!) and was thinking about a particular situation in my life that was very difficult to deal with.  I had long thought that my bitter breakup (bitter really on my part) with my ex-fiance’ was one of the toughest things for me to deal with… but I find that it really ends up coming in second place.  The key difference between this and that, is that I still have dealings with people’s lives that have been effected by this.  I think THAT is what is so hard to deal with.  The fact that I know people carry a different slight and opinion of me when I’ve never done anything to prove to them otherwise.  What’s worse, is that most of them just seem to go on like it is no big deal.  That’s where I have the problem:  The plastic smile.  People sitting in front of me that have said things, that had done hurtful things, and they act like nothing ever happened.

There are somethings that have been said and done, that I will NEVER forget.  The same people that I have invested personal time and encouragement into are the very ones that have ended up putting the dagger between my blades, while they smiled and laughed to a tune sung to them.  The truth of the matter is:  It hurts.  It still cuts deep as it did the very first time.  I often wonder how some of these people can get up in the morning and look in the mirror to themselves, knowing that they have never really come to grips with the situation and really addressed the matters at hand.  Do they really think that I just forget these things?

‘Nadious, you should forgive and forget.’  Well, fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  The old saying is still true to even this day.   I had forgiven.  I had forgotten.  But everyone was too busy listening to others saying the very same things and it’s only when THOSE words are spoken, that people seem to really pay attention and take credit.  I guess the truth of the matter is that I WANT closure to take place… but people won’t allow it to happen.

Do some of you really not have a conscious at all?  Are you as cold and calloused as you really come across?  Or is it more of an issue with pride?  What is it that keeps you from addressing the things that need to be addressed?  It is lack of interest?  Is it spite?   Seriously, what drives you all to wear your plastic smiles?  What does that feel like?

I used to wear one… but my true feelings and emotions were too overpowering to keep it on.

Site Update

So, I’ve decided to start paying a little more attention to this site.  It’s been on the back burner for some time now.  So, you’ll notice that I have included a lot of new links and moved the existing ones around a little bit.  I plan to add more as I go along.  Each of these links will show you different areas of interest to me, things I enjoy to participate in, etc.  To give you a better idea, I’ll break down the areas that I have right now so you can get a better understanding of what they are:

• Areas of Interest - Things that I have really become involved in and love to enjoy.
• Discussion & Forums - Places where I like to hang out and participate in discussion.
• Final Fantasy - One of my all time favorite games.  These are various sites and resources for FF.
• Friends & Allies - Sites and blogs of personal friends of mine.
• HeroScape Related - Resources and stuff pertaining to HeroScape, a game I love to play.
• Humor & Fun - Just crazy wackiness that needs to be shared with the world.
• Media Resources - Resources for clean media and family entertainment.
• Music: Artists & Bands - My favorites.  More to come here soon.
• Music: Labels & Resources - Labels, Stores, and great resources / communities.
• Political - Political sites that I like and find interesting.
• Spiritual Resources - Websites that can help us with our daily walk.
• Video Games - Some of the games I enjoy the most.

More links and sites to come in the future.  I’ll continue to add them as I find them / come across them.  Maybe they will be of some use to you.